i wrote a post a few weeks back about unpredictability. it was about how one of the greatest blessings of Christianity is its unpredictability. i re-read that post this morning and was struck by something. over the past few days since my mom died, days that have felt like a moment and eternity simultaneously, i have said over and over again that one of the greatest horrors of grief is its unpredictability.
unpredictability. a blessing. and a horror. that seems like some kind of paradox to me. and that paradox seems to be my only way of describing what has been almost two weeks (certainly the longest two weeks of my life) since my mom passed away.
you see, i could go on and on about the sadness. the loss is overwhelming and crippling at times. it puts me in bed too early most nights because i have not the strength to keep going. at other times it leaves tears streaming down my cheeks at some show on tv or character in a book i’m reading or when i check my phone to find no text messages, when i used to always have text messages from her.
i still can’t get over the reality that i will never hear my mom tell me that she loves me again. and my mom, she was one of those moms who told me every single day.
but for every moment, which seem endless, that i could spend talking about the sadness and the horror of this grief and loss and whatever else this is, i could also spend that many moments, which seem endless, talking about the blessings of the love of the Lord through every second that has rolled over me since i walked out of the last room in which i will ever sit with her.
and maybe that’s how i know i am going to make it. because God has been loving me so perfectly through this. He has held me close to Him when most people would have gone running in the other direction. He has made me desire His word every morning and crave it every evening. He has helped me praise Him although sometimes proclaiming truths about Him feels a bit like walking down the beach against 20 mile per hour wind. and He has surrounded me with the richest community – the kind of community that has helped me hold up my hands and the kind of community that has walked into the darkness so bravely with me.
the grief is unpredictable. and in so many ways it is indescribable. but so is the love of God. and i am grateful for that love today.
today’s margin note: believe that God is loving, even in the darkest of times. i promise you He is.